The Urge

Why We Want to Go Back and Why We Can't

It comes at the strangest times. In the quiet moments. In the in between. When you are driving home and your mind wanders to a place you thought you had left behind. When you are lying in bed and the darkness makes everything feel possible, even the things you know you should not want.

The urge to go back to what was.

It is a constant battle. A war waged in the quiet corners of your mind. A voice that whispers, soft and seductive, “Remember when….” A voice that paints the past in colors that were never there. A voice that makes you forget the reasons you left and only reminds you of what you miss.

The urge to go back to doors that were closed. To relationships that ended. To people who walked away. To versions of yourself that no longer exist. To rectify what was broken. To say the words you never got to say. To finally get it right this time….get it right THIS time

You know what that felt like. You remember the warmth. The familiarity. The way things fit even when they did not fit. You know what to expect. You know every outcome. You have played the scenarios in your head a thousand times. The arguments. The reconciliations. The moments of silence that said more than words ever could. You have memorized the script. You know how it ends because you have lived it before.

But what lies ahead? That is uncertain. That is unknown. That is a door you have never opened.

You are exposed. Vulnerable. Stripped of the armor that familiarity provides. You do not know what is coming. You cannot predict the obstacles. You cannot prepare for the heartbreak. You cannot rehearse the conversations because you have never had them before. There are no definitive answers. No predictable solutions. Just the void…the terrifying openness of what could be.

We all have that urge. We all have that feeling. The one that says stop. “Turn around. go back to what you know.” It is not weakness. It is not failure. It is just the human instinct to seek safety. To find comfort. To avoid the pain of the unknown.

Some days the urge is not there. It feels like a phantom. A ghost of something that used to haunt you. You go through your day and you do not think about it. You move forward. You make progress. You convince yourself that you are finally over it.

Other days, it is the foremost thing on your mind. It sits in the front of your brain and refuses to move. It follows you to work. It sits with you at dinner. It keeps you up at night. It reminds you of every good moment and conveniently forgets the bad. It makes you question everything. It makes you wonder if you made a mistake.

You ask yourself: What if I am not ready? What if I fail again? What if I do not fulfill what I wanted to? What if I am not strong enough? Smart enough? Good enough? What if I am just pretending to be okay and one day it all falls apart?

Do I pivot? Do I go back? Do I take the exit I know or stay on the road I cannot see?

These questions have no easy answers. They sit in your chest like a weight. They make you second guess yourself. They make you doubt the path you are on.

But here is the thing about the urge. It is a feeling. And feelings, as powerful as they are, are not always true. They are not always right. They are not always leading you where you need to go.

Sometimes you have to take that leap of faith. The one that terrifies you. The one that makes no sense. The one that requires you to let go of the rope and trust that you will catch yourself. Like jumping out of a plane and hoping the parachute opens

.

You have to venture into the unknown. Not because it is easy. Because it is necessary. Because you cannot grow in the same place you were planted. Because the past is a prison and the door is not locked and you are the only one keeping yourself inside.

Do not let the urge consume you. It is okay to feel it. It is okay to acknowledge it. It is okay to sit with it and let it pass. But do not let it make your decisions. Do not let it turn you around when you are finally moving forward.

It is okay to move forward. It is okay to leave things behind. It is okay to close doors even when you are not sure what is waiting on the other side of the new one.

You are allowed to be uncertain. You are allowed to be afraid. You are allowed to miss what was while still wanting what could be.

The urge will always be there. It may never fully go away. But it does not have to control you. It does not have to define you. It does not have to keep you stuck.

So take a breath. Take a step. Take that leap. Take a chance on the person you are becoming.

The past is comfortable. But comfort is not the same as growth. And growth, as uncomfortable as it is, is the only thing that leads to where you are meant to be.

"To get lost is to learn the way."

Thanks for reading. Tajh.